It was a crummy me, living a day, today. I can’t fault the events that unfolded. I fault me. So I withdrew into a quiet shell and did my best to smile and speak with lighter tones. I couldn’t avoid people though, and the longer I stayed around, the bitchier I snarled. Lovely.
The whole day began with an urgent meeting. I had to cut short my plans for the morning to rush down to the office, where I received feedback on my style of communication, with a specific someone. Apparently, I’d not shown enough support and was found to be questioning her requests, which she felt wasn’t what I should be doing.
‘I may occasionally get opinionated,’ I explained, ‘but I am in full support of everything she calls for. If I came across as superior or proud, I really am sorry.’
‘I never doubted your heart,’ was the boss’ reply, ‘just try to understand the sensitivities of everyone else.’ And so I shall.
I will try. If it means laying aside my opinions for the better good of everyone else, I will. I don’t want to come to a place where my pride gets the better of me.
“A fight is going on inside me,” said an old man to his son. “It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other wolf is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you.”
The son thought about it for a minute and then asked, “Which wolf will win?”
The old man replied simply, “The one you feed.”
– Wendy Mass (Jeremy Fink & The Meaning of Life)
‘I am so tired of all this! I am frustrated with the mistakes I keep making…’
I was having a conversation – rant, more like – with the Dream Maker one day and close to tears, I wanted a solution.
‘When can all these failures cease?’ I asked.
‘Are you surprised with your weaknesses?’ He asked me in return, ‘because I’m not. Are you prepared to live for the rest of your life knowing that you are going to mess up occasionally?’
I wasn’t. I want to be perfect. Is that really too much to ask?
‘Look,’ He continued, ‘If you were perfect, would you need to lean on me? If you could walk without a limp, would I be your crutch?’
He wasn’t the Author of my weaknesses but He understood the failings of my flesh. My brain, albeit a little slow, finally caught up with what He was trying to say to me. He wasn’t expecting me to meet every demand perfectly. Sin is defined as missing the mark – and shit, I was missing it constantly… whether it be someone else’s expectations or mine.
But each time I miss the mark, and during the seasons where I feel as though I’m constantly failing, His grace abounds all the more. His favour, in effect, grows fully richer to meet them for me. (Romans 5:20)
I stopped walking then. Quietly, I looked up to the morning sky.
‘Alright then. Dear God… will you be my crutch? I invite you now to be all that I want to be, need to be. All that I’m lacking, God, come and be my support, the fulfillment of every demand.’
That incident happened two years ago.
Today, I still walk with my beautiful limp, my saving Crutch in hand.
Two years on… I look into the mirror.
And hope that somehow, I have grown. Because in the face of correction, it’s easier to think that every journey has been wasted. But that’s just a harsh reality.
It isn’t, however, truth.