look at love

‘Hello,’ she said.

‘Go away, I’m not listening to you,’ I murmured, turning away to read an email on my laptop.

‘Did you see how busy and fulfilled she is? Isn’t she doing exactly what you want to do? Look, look at her! She’s being trained to do great things. People will recognize her as being brilliant! Now… what about you? What are you doing?’ The unwelcome visitor continued, ignoring my snub.

I looked at the email I was writing. It was a style template schedule for the next few weeks’ performances. I looked at my to-do list and it was filled with coordination work. Administration, administration, administration…

‘See? You’re left out of the loop. No one will recognize the work you’re doing! It’s all background work for others to shine. Who cares? You thought you were in a place of self-actualization but what’s happening? You’re being left behind while others get to do the creative things you like.’

I slumped back in my seat. It was only the morning and already I was losing the battle to be happy.

‘Just go away,’ I gritted my teeth.

‘Your boss is going with you to the shoot later, isn’t she? Now why would she need to do that? And if she’s there, why do you need to go too? Superfluous addition, aren’t you?’ She mocked, doodling on my organizer.

‘I think I still have responsibilities there… I can’t just say I won’t go.’ I answered.

‘Can’t run away, eh? Poor, sad thing. When will you find your place in this world?’ She said.

At that point, I couldn’t take it anymore. I stood up and walked away, I needed a breather. I headed to the toilet and locked myself in a cubicle. Alone, I sat there for a long while and listened…

I heard a group of ladies walk in, talking. I head a toilet flush. I heard the jangle of someone’s bracelets. I heard them leave. And then, I heard the Dream Maker.

‘Hey you, still in there?’

‘Yeah…’ I knew I just needed a hug from Him but I wanted to be alone.

‘Come on out,’ He said.

I sighed, stood up and reluctantly unlocked the door. There was no one there.

‘Great, just great,’ I grumbled as I walked back to my table… and found notes of love left all over my day, just for me.

There was the bar of chocolates from Jap Girl, and some ice-cream from the Boss.

There was the chance to climb to the topmost floor of a building under construction.

There was the beautiful, orange sunset I saw while I was up there.

There was the message a friend sent to me, saying ‘You’re a beautifully constructed piece of work. What you’ve done with your hands has touched so many…’

There was the wonderful conversation with Paddington, a friend I haven’t talked to in weeks.

There was the free ride home.

And when I walked into my room… there was Him.

‘Don’t listen to the negative talk. Don’t look at your circumstances and what you lack. Don’t look at your unfulfilled dreams.’ He said, holding out His arms to me. ‘Look at Me.’

And when I did, everything faded into the background.

I was looking at love.

*

‘I don’t have to fear anything because Your love makes it worth it all. I want to know it more, I want to feel it more, I want to see it more. Do I dare look into the eyes of love tonight, leaving everything else behind?

I will look straight into the eyes of love and say, come burn in me.’

– Kim Walker

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such a perfect day…

I had a day to myself and for once, I didn’t choke it with plans.

‘Is it normal to feel this lazy?’ I asked the Mother.

‘Lazy?! We just worked nearly 14 hours yesterday. I think it’s normal to feel exhausted,’ she sniffled in reply. The flu bug had just bitten her.

Her words eased the guilt.

I left the house for a quick errand and thereafter, decided to walk from the Botanical Gardens all the way into town. It was a long walk but I donned my shades, plugged in to Kim Walker/Jesus Culture and began, what I would call, my perfect day.

I watched people, browsed many racks of clothing on sale and walked even more, cocooned in my world of abandonment in worship. It was sheer freedom. No one approached me, no one bothered with me (save a few curious glances at the girl who bopped her head to music they couldn’t hear) and smiled when a song hit a raw, emotional note in me.

As I stepped in to Topshop (and got ready to actually buy something), a song that I’d already heard many times over suddenly rang out clear in my ears. As I think back to that moment now, I can still see each frame with crystal clarity.

A brightly lit place with pounding music…
I am watching the stylish ladies huddled around the clothes…
Do they feel self-conscious? I wonder…
I remember my battle against insecurity every time I’m in a crowd…
I recall using clothes to define me…
I feel again the emotions when I wear something wonderful…
I browse the clothes too, searching for that feeling…
I hold a yellow top…
I hear the song…
I stand still amidst the babble of humanity that blurs in movement all around…
I don’t move, transfixed.

Life hit the pause button and realized why it didn’t matter anymore if my personal style wasn’t up-to-date. These things didn’t make me beautiful. I stood there with that piece of cloth in my hands for the longest time, staring off into space with a quiet smile…

Words can never say the way He says my name. He calls me lovely.

Lovely! I looked all around at the people rushing for new clothes, new looks, new images… did they feel that loveliness too?

No one ever sees the way He looks at me. He sees me holy.

Right there in Topshop, no one was watching me. To them, I was insignificant. But not Him…

Words can never hold this love that burns my soul. Heaven holds me.

I felt my insides explode with warmth as my surroundings melted away and I found myself encircled in His arms…

You would not believe the way He touches me. He burns right through me.

I began to feel the stirrings of a new desire, a longing to get away from the noise, the busyness…

And I could not forget every word He said. He always knew me.

I can’t forget. He never lets me. Even when I try to better myself with new clothings, new habits, new ideals, new rules for living… the truth is, it doesn’t matter. He already knew me at my worst and continues to love me with His best.

Almost apologetically, I put the item back onto the racks and walked out, hugged by a Man who saw me so beautiful. The rest of the day passed in an exquisite blur. I was high. But made one final stop at Borders to grab some magazines before heading home.

*

It was exactly what I needed today. A hug.

The past weekend was one filled with a certain despair. Dark thoughts ran through my head when I least expected and I know it may sound weird – as I’m always surrounded by people – but I’d been feeling very weighted down by an inexplicable sense of loneliness.

With just one song, everything changed.

I tasted again, the sweetness of acceptance.

Can it be real for others, what was made real for me today? I feel as though I’m bursting with the call: Come hear the Dream Maker’s serenade! He makes it all worthwhile. He colours in the greys with His love saturated touch. He longs to hold us tight…

And suddenly, I want to tell a bewildered generation that He dances and sings over them with abandon… as He does for me.

Can you see it?

Can you hear it?

Can you feel it?

It’s His love… and He’s calling out for you…

[Words and music by Jesus Culture/Kim Walker]

kiss me | inspire me

I have found a trust that teaches how to rest.
I have found a grace that guides me by the hand.
I have found a strength that stands like a mountain.

I have found You.

– Kim Walker

Or maybe, He found me.

Huddled beneath three layers of clothing, miserable, without a clue as to what was going on, my mind couldn’t wrap itself around a single concept. Every where I turned, there was someone waiting with a question, looking to me for an answer and today, I could not function at all. It took me an entire day to complete the styling schedule (53 people, 7 stylists, 4 hours) and all I wanted to do was crawl into a deep, dark hole to sleep.

My stomach was still malfunctioning and it was sheer torture for a foodie like me. In the food went, out it threatened to go.

A project met major mishaps. A guy sliced his finger and required stitches. Two girls quarreled. The video needed to be re-worked…

I began praying. It was all I had to cling on to.

Somewhere in the midst of the chaos, the Dream Maker reached out and shook me up with a song. The intrusion was abrupt but I knew he’d led PD to very purposefully drop by my office to chat with me. He showed me the latest album he’d purchased.

‘You have to watch this,’ he said with the excitement of a little boy. It didn’t matter that there was a bunch of people waiting for me. I couldn’t ignore his enthusiasm. So we watched the singer dance, twirl and lead the people to a higher state of consciousness – a life of extravagance to the Dream Maker.

‘She reminds me a little of you,’ he mused. That… was a huge compliment. I was already inspired by her abandonment. Hungry, I quietly left the room and went to hunt for that album. It was sold out but the desire to be inspired once again was so desperately overwhelming.

Ever since I left my previous department, I’d been running dry. The times in the Dream Maker’s arms didn’t come so easily. It felt like being with my Lover, who’s flown overseas. Making time to be with Him came with a choice. Previously, it was part and parcel of living. Now… I needed to carve time out.

But in His tenderness and knowledge of my frailty, He reached out to me. Surprising me by coming to my door when I least expected it.

All I needed to do was open up and surrender to His love.

And when I did, I found myself inspired all over again.

*

I remember the moment…

We sat quietly close.

Nearer than friends, further than lovers. The quiet hunger of expectation as we turned to look at each other, our faces nearly touching, our eyes searching the other out. We leaned in close and breathed in deeply, the gorgeous familiar smell of the other. Very slowly, we melted forward in a kiss… and the cacophony of busyness faded into a hum in the background of a beautiful moment.

That’s how I feel right now. I’m living in His kiss.

The edges of living have grown softer. The darkness is velvety, the pressure nothing but a hug. And all that I’m conscious of is that I am loved. My vulnerability is touched with His fingertip, as though He feels everything I am, and consumes my emotions with His understanding. My naked heart is carried in His hand with painful tenderness. I am loved.

Tonight, I am reborn in the Dream Maker’s arms.

You put a fire in my belly
And a river in my mouth
There’s no place I’d rather be than here with You
Can I have more of You?

– Kim Walker