metamorph

I change.

Therefore I am.

*

‘So we have three main events coming up…’ Cutesy said, rounding up our two-hour meeting. ‘And I’d like to put some of you in charge.’

‘I can help…’ I smiled. I love doing events. They are slightly chaotic but there’s always the element of magic – when you see what once merely existed in your mind, played out live.

‘You… just need to focus! I want you to really look into the videos. That’s your main thing for the coming months.’ Cutesy stared at me, before breaking into a laugh.

Whaaat? I groaned inwardly. You see, while I love conceptualizing videos, scripting and coaching/interviewing people… I really dislike being on set and coordinating schedules & equipment. I can do the job, not a problem. But really, it’s painful at times. I hadn’t told anyone this – that I had always gritted my teeth and carried on with the job because I knew I had something else to run to. There were the events, the live running of a show, the adrenaline I knew I’d get.

To be told that videos is going to be all that I’m involved in, well… I didn’t know what to think.

*

‘In view of your work schedule, we thought that we’d take you out of leading for a while and let you focus on backing up vocally,’ the Music boss said. ‘It’s not a reflection of your performance or anything, seriously, we all enjoy it when you lead. We just think you need more time to train yourself vocally.’

We were in the midst of the annual vocal review, and I agreed with the assessment wholeheartedly. It had been getting harder and harder to take the stage because I know where I am vocally, and how much I lack in that area.

‘Well, I guess it’s not a fantastic time to bring this up but I’m going to need to take leave again,’ I sighed. ‘Work is not easing and I don’t think I can commit…’

It was painful. Painful to leave what I love doing. Painful that when given the chance, I couldn’t do as well as I wanted to.

*

I sat at my table and without really understanding why, the tears began to fall.

‘Dammit! Stop being such an emotional wuss!’ I screamed inwardly but however I tried, I just couldn’t be strong. Not when all I loved was something I had to walk away from.

That was yesterday.

*

‘I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is ‘Who in the world am I?’ Ah, that’s the great puzzle!’

– Lewis Carroll

This morning I woke up a different person.

I looked the same, I walked the same and darn it, I weighed the same.

But no, I wasn’t who I was yesterday. Something in me had finally chosen to embrace the waves and flow with the current to wherever it shall lead me.

‘You see, it didn’t matter that they were frightened or faithless,’ I explained to a friend. ‘It’s that while they were stuck out there in the middle of the perfect storm, they had the Dream Maker in the boat. He could change the shape of things at any given moment, which he did, and took them to safety. They got over to the other side of the lake because He was with them.’

I paused, reflecting on all that had taken place this year – the crazy events, my mother leaving, saying goodbye to old friends and meeting new ones, the great curve balls, turmoil and victories.

No, it didn’t matter how they felt in the boat. They got over to the other side. As will I.

*

Who will I be at the end of this new wave?

Even I don’t know the answer.

But that’s okay for today. In fact, that’s enough.

See you on the other side.

*

‘For, you see, so many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible.’

– Lewis Carroll

taking the leap

‘Live in the present, remember the past, and fear not the future, for it doesn’t exist and never shall. There is only now.’

– Christopher Paolini

If I can get through tomorrow in one piece, with everything intact, I’ll know a miracle took place.

I have three shoots scheduled, back to back in the evening. Besides having to script these ‘interviews’ in a foreign language, I’ll need to direct a very important guest and two testimonials. I couldn’t find a makeup artist in time and so, I’ll be doing makeup on my own. While coordinating with the camera person the shots I want, making the guests feel comfortable and directing the entire production. Brilliant. And hugely impossible.

Once that wraps, I’m off to the gig which I’m guessing, I might be late for. I wanted to back out but the tickets have already been purchased so I’ll just have to pop in for a bit and hopefully, catch my favourite songs.

Just before the gig ends, I’m off for the final appointment – the mother of them all. And it is this final appointment that I’m most anxious about. Because this is the second instalment of making my dreams come true and I’m just worried about how it’ll end. The conclusion is beyond my control.

I stand before my day… a ball of nerves.

This is it, people. This is really it. I’m actually going to do it. It’s impulsive, rash and yet, something I’ve deliberated over for years. But I’m walking ahead, ready… to take the leap of faith.

(while I chew my nails)

*

‘There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.’

– Paulo Coelho

‘How was the run?’ A complete stranger asked me on Sunday as he walked past, before waiting for my answer.

‘Heard you’re running now, since when?’ DigiBoy said when he popped by to help me burn some DVDs.

‘You too?!’ Dimples squealed when she found out I’d been talking to Kitty about training.

‘What’s up with the marathon?’ A few members of the band asked me when I told them I was unavailable for some dates.

I told them I wanted to lose weight, that I just wanted to run for fun… the reasons were many but all of them half-truths. The real reason is that I’m doing this for myself. I want… no, need to know that I can do this. That is my only reason. I want to do something I’ve never been able to do before, never even thought I could accomplish.

I’ve faltered so many times when it came to long-distance running. It was always my mental strength that failed me – not the burning legs or the lack of stamina – it was giving up in my mind long before I even saw the finishing line.

To do the races, to cross that finishing line, is just for me. I need to know I can complete something hard, something I’ve always failed to finish.

Tonight, I hit the tracks again although everything in me rebelled against the idea of going out. Out of sheer habit, I changed, took my iPod and went downstairs. The music I selected failed to energize me. The weather was humid. The tracks empty. Quietly, I began my run and very nearly gave up before I’d even finished one round. Then it hit me.

This was how it’s going to feel in the middle of the race. Can I overcome the immense sense of ‘quit’ in me?

I continued running. It burned my legs and for the first time in weeks, I developed stitches in my side. Still, I carried on for no one else… but me. I met a rat who ran alongside for a bit. A lizard crossed my path. A large cat watched my heavy steps. I ran on.

And crossed the 40 minute mark. I did it.

*

‘To me, Fearless is not the absense of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.’

– Taylor Swift

As long as my gaze is fixed on the Dream Maker, it’ll be alright.

I’m taking the next big leap, my eyes on Him.

Fearless.