mememe

The hardest part that I’ve had to deal with, the greatest challenge in all that has happened… is something that I didn’t want to ‘fess up to. But there it was, staring at me in the face.

Dammit.
Shucks.
Oh man… how could I possibly feel this way?

I truly thought I had it settled, especially since it was a daily prayer. God, break my pride into a million pieces. Crush it if it ever surfaces.

Because I don’t need it.
Don’t want it.
Have no use for it.
But wait, before you start…

Can I explain that I work hard at this? Does anyone see the hours, the days, the nights? I do it for You. For them! … for me? Oh come on, some recognition! That’s all I desire. Someone to say, it’s her! She’s the one!

that… stinks, it does.
It’s not who I am so just take it away.
You know what… I’ll be fine.

This journey, this shedding of all that flesh so craves, this breaking. Destroy it… let things fall a p a r t . Make what I think, my understanding, grow small… because   at   the   end   of   the   day,   the   truth   is . . .  it’s   really   not   about

me.

not one bit.

*

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take a break

‘Let’s go for a break,’ I’d say and together, we would leave whatever it was we were doing – attending a lecture, working, dancing in a club – and huddle in a quiet corner to light up. I remember the stairwells, the sidewalk curbs, the petrol kiosk barrier, the coffee-shops… places that to me signaled a ‘time out’.

It didn’t matter if what we were doing before that was fun, intense or boring, the breaks were just a necessary way to take a breather, pause and refocus.

Since leaving behind my teenage years (and of course, quitting the smokes), the momentum of living has sped up: work, children, husband, family, friends, community…

My question today is: how do you take a break from life? And how often?

Our coffee/smoke breaks used to occur every hour or two. Sometimes, we did it alone. Sometimes, we did it with the gang – it didn’t matter. I loved the moment of staring out into blankness, disengaging myself from the moment and drifting off.

I want that. The thing is, at work, I rarely walk off mid-way to stand and stare at a wall. There is no reason to. So what can make me disengage myself from the moment to walk off for a bit, to take that necessary breather to simply… think?

More importantly though, how do I do that without feeling that sense of guilt, which comes with the knowledge that I should be doing work in that ten minutes I’m doing nothing?

*

“What I like doing best is Nothing.”

“How do you do Nothing?” asked Pooh after he had wondered for a long time.

“Well, it’s when people call out at you just as you’re going off to do it, ‘What are you going to do, Christopher Robin?’ and you say, ‘Oh, Nothing,’ and then you go and do it… It means just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering.”

– A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

We’ve finally got our first break in the year 2010. Although there is a mini-launch to be held next month, it will hopefully, be less intense than the months that have rolled on by.

In January – we were reeling from the December event and trying to pull together a musical/concert. We also had to come up with a concept that would capture what 2010 is all about for the people. This was a multi-pronged reach and it befuddled the team as we’d never done something like this before.

In February – we handled a mini-event. And officially began our new department, which involved days of discussions regarding roles, responsibilities, budgets, work flow…

In March – the musical/concert took place. Sheer madness. The week after, we took a corporate break and returned with two weeks before…

April – the Easter musical. I think at this time, we pretty much lived on caffeine. This was also when we moved offices into our new premises.

May – the biggest event of the year thus far. And it’s finally over.

So what now?

I’m looking at the remnants of the months lying cluttered around my table. It looks like a construction work site. And maybe… just maybe, that’s what it is.

Hang on…

Now, please excuse me while I take my break. It’s a ‘thinking’ break people. I need it.

*chuckle*

taking a love break

When you’re young, you always feel that life hasn’t yet begun – that ‘life’ is always scheduled to begin next week, next month, next year, after the holidays – whenever. But then suddenly you’re old and the scheduled life didn’t arrive. You find yourself asking, ‘Well then, exactly what was it I was having – that interlude – the scrambly madness – all that time I had before?

– Douglas Coupland

I woke up today knowing that I wanted to live each minute for myself. ‘It’s not selfishness,’ I reasoned with my mirror, ‘I will return to civilization a better person when I have had my fill. It’s been too long that I felt guilty, every time I did something that wasn’t dictated by responsibility.’ I was determined to go on a short ‘holiday’ without actually… going anywhere.

I don’t want to get up one day, years later, looking around and seeing the many accomplishments I’ve done and wonder, what happened to the enjoyment of it all? Where did life, and the living, go?

With that in mind, I packed my bag and left the house with no real agenda. All I knew was that I wanted to sit in a cafe. I found myself, an hour later, at Starbucks, sitting alone on a balcony. I bought a triple grande hazelnut latte, a blueberry muffin and a banana… sat back on the couch and opened my book. It felt like I’d come home.

Choosing to continue in this life of little luxuries, I decided to get my hair washed and blown at my favourite hairdresser. It was sheer bliss, having my head massaged while I sipped on a vitamin C drink and read a trashy magazine.

It was all over too soon (although the timing was perfect) and I continued on to a bookstore to purchase a disc for my lunch companion. We were going to eat at a wonderful ramen restaurant and somehow, managed to squeeze in a milkshake after. I very nearly began twirling as we walked because the good food had put me on a happy high.

Sated with good food and enjoyable conversation…  I continued on to meet another friend for tea and a movie, which is yet another treat I rarely enjoy these days. We laughed, mocked each other and talked for a bit about life, before he sent me off in a cab on to my last appointment of the day – rehearsals.

I was a little tentative about singing again, after being away for so long. Would I be severely lacking in the vocals department? Will the songs be hard to catch up on? So many questions, so many doubts. All of which was silly because when I entered the room, it felt again, like I’d returned home.

When I finally began my journey home, it rained.

And that’s when I knew that my day had been truly kissed by the heavens.

*

Does this mean that there was no work that threatened to intrude on my day? Nope. I had emails flying to and fro (I couldn’t help it, had to check my blackberry) and more than a few times, needed to make calls regarding work.

Does this mean that there was no news that threatened to darken my day? Nope. I actually received an email that saddened me.

The thing is… life is for the living. And when we step forward knowing that life’s moments are embraced by the Dream Maker – who only desires to love us deeply – you can’t help but feel like a floating balloon, even if it’s amidst the harshest of storms.

My advice? Take a love break.

You probably need it.