Therefore I am.
‘So we have three main events coming up…’ Cutesy said, rounding up our two-hour meeting. ‘And I’d like to put some of you in charge.’
‘I can help…’ I smiled. I love doing events. They are slightly chaotic but there’s always the element of magic – when you see what once merely existed in your mind, played out live.
‘You… just need to focus! I want you to really look into the videos. That’s your main thing for the coming months.’ Cutesy stared at me, before breaking into a laugh.
Whaaat? I groaned inwardly. You see, while I love conceptualizing videos, scripting and coaching/interviewing people… I really dislike being on set and coordinating schedules & equipment. I can do the job, not a problem. But really, it’s painful at times. I hadn’t told anyone this – that I had always gritted my teeth and carried on with the job because I knew I had something else to run to. There were the events, the live running of a show, the adrenaline I knew I’d get.
To be told that videos is going to be all that I’m involved in, well… I didn’t know what to think.
‘In view of your work schedule, we thought that we’d take you out of leading for a while and let you focus on backing up vocally,’ the Music boss said. ‘It’s not a reflection of your performance or anything, seriously, we all enjoy it when you lead. We just think you need more time to train yourself vocally.’
We were in the midst of the annual vocal review, and I agreed with the assessment wholeheartedly. It had been getting harder and harder to take the stage because I know where I am vocally, and how much I lack in that area.
‘Well, I guess it’s not a fantastic time to bring this up but I’m going to need to take leave again,’ I sighed. ‘Work is not easing and I don’t think I can commit…’
It was painful. Painful to leave what I love doing. Painful that when given the chance, I couldn’t do as well as I wanted to.
I sat at my table and without really understanding why, the tears began to fall.
‘Dammit! Stop being such an emotional wuss!’ I screamed inwardly but however I tried, I just couldn’t be strong. Not when all I loved was something I had to walk away from.
That was yesterday.
‘I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is ‘Who in the world am I?’ Ah, that’s the great puzzle!’
– Lewis Carroll
This morning I woke up a different person.
I looked the same, I walked the same and darn it, I weighed the same.
But no, I wasn’t who I was yesterday. Something in me had finally chosen to embrace the waves and flow with the current to wherever it shall lead me.
‘You see, it didn’t matter that they were frightened or faithless,’ I explained to a friend. ‘It’s that while they were stuck out there in the middle of the perfect storm, they had the Dream Maker in the boat. He could change the shape of things at any given moment, which he did, and took them to safety. They got over to the other side of the lake because He was with them.’
I paused, reflecting on all that had taken place this year – the crazy events, my mother leaving, saying goodbye to old friends and meeting new ones, the great curve balls, turmoil and victories.
No, it didn’t matter how they felt in the boat. They got over to the other side. As will I.
Who will I be at the end of this new wave?
Even I don’t know the answer.
But that’s okay for today. In fact, that’s enough.
See you on the other side.
‘For, you see, so many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible.’
– Lewis Carroll