drown.

May 18, 2016 § Leave a comment

sinking

I’m tired of reading about how struggles make us stronger.
I’m sick of hearing how challenges make us overcomers in life.
And I’m fucking irritated with how life’s difficulties are romanticized into inspirational quotes.
I don’t care about how one day, my story will encourage someone else.
I don’t give a damn about how getting through my life’s problems will help mentor other women.
All I want, truly want… is to be happy. Now.
Is that too much to ask?

I want to have someone to text when I see something funny, or am feeling frustrated.
I want to be able to eat in a nice restaurant without worrying if I can buy groceries after.
I want to go away on a short holiday, to take a break from all this need that surrounds me.
I’m honestly very achingly tired of being responsible for so many lives.
I want to be selfish for a while.
Please?

please…

*

Some days can be such a pain to get through, and I had one of those spectacularly messed up days today. Receiving several pieces of real fucked up news, my knees were wobbly, I felt strengthless and my hands refused to stop shaking. By the time I reached home, the edges of my person felt smudged against life’s hard edges. I climbed into bed and curled up into the smallest ball of existence possible. Yet I couldn’t cry.

Instead, I breathed.

And grew quiet.

breathe in… breathe out…

*

I won’t grow bitter. It’s too late for regrets and I refuse to live life looking behind.
I won’t give up living because I’m wired for survival.
I will find something to be grateful for, something to laugh about, something to dance to.
And no matter how many times I break down and cry, the tears will come to an end.
They always do.

I’m not strong.

But perhaps I won’t wait for my circumstances to change before I find a reason to be happy.
Even when every part of me deeply aches in pain…

I’ll smile.

smile…

Where Am I?

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