fight. need. desire.

April 24, 2016 § Leave a comment

needy cat

“Dude, you need new pants,” I laughed at Dean, “unless you’re going for the Kriss Kross look that is.”

“Yeah! I love having such problems,” he grinned. Dean had been working hard to lose weight, and when we first met last year, immediately bonded over our passion for/against food. We are also some of the laziest asses we know, surrounded by an army of friends who gym, do handstands, MMA, yoga, sport climb… and nag us to join them on early Sunday mornings for boot camp.

We do love our workouts (when we’re done with them), but I fell off the exercise bandwagon two months ago. Work kicked in hard and for a night owl to get up at 6am every day, it was torture. Dean on the other hand, suffered a breakup with his girlfriend and diving deeper into sweat helped his heartache. I was happy to see his progress but it did make me feel a little awful about myself.

“You know the best part? I think my workouts have taken on a whole new level. I mean, I feel strong!” He whooped.

“Yay you!” I laughed, while I mourned inside.

I miss being strong. And it’s time I did something about it.

*

I have two dates scheduled for this week.

I’m guessing such plans would normally be greeted with enthusiasm. Unfortunately, I’m everything but excited. Weighing in a good 13 pounds more than what I did last year, none of my clothes fit.

How quickly can I lose weight and get fit again? I wonder to myself as I grab a beer, stare at it, put it back into the fridge, walk away, walk back to the fridge, pull out the beer and pour myself a glass. Yes, I have amazing self-control.

I sip the beer while watching workout videos, wondering if that somehow helps me burn calories. Maybe I’ll cancel the dates and spend the time hitting the gym instead.

My phone beeps just then. It’s Date #1.

“I was thinking we could go to this amazingly authentic Italian restaurant,” his message reads. Darn it. I google the restaurant and the food/ambience looks faaaantastic.

“That sounds great! Looking forward to it,” I reply.

Okay, so maybe I won’t cancel.

*

Sometimes, the things we need most aren’t what we desire.
We fail to see that if our needs were met, our desires might change.
And desires fueled by a lack in our lives are a double-edged sword.
An endless cycle of defeat and pain.

What are my most immediate needs? Work, for one. Getting fit and happy with myself is next.

My fight isn’t to lose weight. I need to get fit again. My fight isn’t against loneliness. I need to do things that fill my empty spaces with joy. My fight isn’t against tiredness. I need to sleep.

In view of a new start, I’ve scheduled a workout tomorrow, bought tickets for two gigs that I’m very much looking forward to, and yes…

I’m going to sleep now.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.
― Mick Jagger

 

 

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