i want to fly
October 14, 2010 § 3 Comments
‘Is there anything you can’t do?’ JapGirl asked.
I had no answer. She has just disrupted my private, mental discourse on:
1. why I should be happy with the way things are
2. and yet, how I feel left out that I’m not in the thick of things
3. which in turn, causes be to feel guilty that I’m not grateful for all that I have.
‘I can’t fly,’ I quipped.
‘You’re able to anything you want. But yes, you can’t fly…’ she said, before ducking her head to squint at her laptop.
I decided to make mention that I missed being a part of the production crew to Cutesy.
‘I miss it all, being in the thick of things,’ I said, during a break at our 7-hour long rehearsal tonight.
‘Stop being everywhere,’ she said. ‘Just focus on one thing. And this time, you’re supposed to be on stage.’
‘But I miss production…’
‘You look good on stage. Stay there.’
And like the obedient person I am, I did. My role in this weekend’s recording is to conduct the choir. It is a privilege and I am happy doing what I do but there’s this disease I have. It’s called I-want-the-world syndrome. I wish I could do more, be more, get involved in everything but… I have 24 hours. Maybe they are all right. It’s time to focus on getting deeper and more intricately skilled in one field. For once in my life, I’ve been given the opportunity to become an expert as opposed to my current Jill-of-all-trades status. I am returning back to ‘school’.
And so, I have decided that for the next few months, I’ll be the best damn makeup artist student the school has ever seen.
I start my new course in November and at the end of it all, should be sufficiently qualified to make people beautiful for the stage, editorial shoots and video productions. Making people beautiful, I suppose, is the next step up from styling them. I am terribly excited at the prospect of returning to ‘school’ and getting my makeup kit. Already, I’m listing out the friends I want to practice on, the looks I want to try out and the potential that lies in this training.
Dissatisfaction with life – is it a problem or a healthy hunger for greater things?
‘I can’t eat that!’ Neesh exclaimed, pointing at the piece of brownie I was holding.
‘Why not?’ I mumbled, my mouth filled with exquisite fudge. ‘There’s an entire box of them there.’
‘I’ve put on weight,’ she replied, before sticking out her tummy. ‘Look! It’s awful when a skinny girl has a paunch.’
I rolled my eyes. I was nearly twice her size and she was telling me she was fat? Five minutes later, I spied her with a brownie in hand.
‘What happened to your I can’t eat that?’ I smirked.
Neesh giggled. ‘Well… brownies make me happy. And I decided, I’d rather be happy.’
‘Good for you,’ I smiled.
Happiness. For her, it was the brownie. For me, it’s every moment I decide to thoroughly enjoy what I’m doing and to stop casting glances and what else I want to do. Maybe that’s when I can get satisfied with what I have in life.
It’s 2.30am and time to head to bed with my questions. One thing I’ve learnt from my trip to Nepal – some questions are never meant to be answered in this lifetime.
It’s time to see the answers that surround me and instead, find the right questions for them.