a moment of review
April 29, 2010 § Leave a comment
‘Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you’ll look back and realize they were big things.’
– Kurt Vonnegut
They were snapshots of my life, displayed for all to see. But many couldn’t, they watched life unfold, laughed when it was funny, teared when it was meaningful… and never once saw me in any of it all, and I liked that.
We were watching the recording of a past event today, the people and I. Thoughtfully organized by the team, a dinner was held for all who had committed time and energy backstage. Even though they were there day after day in rehearsals, none of us had ever seen the program in its entirety, which was the main reason why we were all gathered today to watch the playback of the show.
‘Can you remember what we went through?’ I whispered to my assistant.
‘Oh my god, yes. The madness, the screaming… it seems so laughable now,’ she replied, chuckling.
The lead actress was seated beside me, squirming every time the camera did a close up. The props team cheered when the set was changed on time. The wardrobe team couldn’t help but point out their favourite outfits. Some sat star-struck when the main headlining performer did his set while the rest were in awe at what we’d accomplished together.
Midway, I walked out.
I looked at my hands. They are small. Yet somehow, all these things happened with me at the reins. I was just… mesmerized by the Dream Maker’s power through these hands. All I could give was time. Nothing else. He made it all come to pass.
The little details, the tiny strokes of my paintbrush was somehow used to create the big picture. When I couldn’t see why I needed to take care of the minuscule details, He knew what He was planning.
I am humbled beyond measure.
‘May the sun bring you new energy by day
May the moon softly restore you by night
May the rain wash away your worries
May the breeze blow new strength into your being
May you walk gently through the world and know
Its beauty all the days of your life.’
– An Apache Blessing
‘2009 was more relaxed, wasn’t it?’ I said to my ex-boss as we stood quietly, watching the streams of people leaving after the show screening.
‘Relaxed?’ He raised his eyebrows at me.
‘Yeah… this year has been filled with so many crazy moments. Oh wait, 2009 was the year we produced the first musical, released our first DVD and I first tasted what it meant to produce a live show!’ I suddenly remembered.
He nodded with an impish grin. So maybe last year wasn’t ‘more relaxed’ but reviewing our past jobs together made me see for the first time today, how far along I’d come.
Let me explain.
Two years ago, I seriously questioned my choice of paths. I was surrounded by friends who far exceeded me in both fame and success. I knew that I could have chosen to become a someone… but that wasn’t what I was interested in. I genuinely wanted to touch lives and be where the Dream Maker worked out those plans for others. So I made my choice. I walked away from two contracts that were offered to me. Contracts that would have established me as a someone. Instead, I chose the back-end of things.
It wasn’t easy and every year, I wondered if I’d made the wrong decision. I felt broken, my sense of self-worth fast diminishing with every sheet of paperwork I completed.
‘What’s wrong with this picture?’ I asked Him, and was reminded to ‘stay faithful with what’s placed in my hands, because that’s when He can give me what’s in my heart‘, something I once heard a preacher teach.
I tried to stay faithful. But in my heart… I was already looking for an escape.
Then in 2009, it seemed as though every request in my heart was slowly coming to pass. But the reality of dreams is that when they become real, sometimes… they break you and all the notions of what you believe.
I broke many times over.
The Dream Maker picked up the pieces.
And I walked on… into many untold adventures.
Tonight, as I looked at the picture of the moon a friend sent to me, I felt somehow, restored. And I am finally ready for all that the coming days are brimming with.