April 21, 2010 § 1 Comment
He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad.
– Rafael Sabatini
How often will two trains, on two completely different lines, fail the moment I am about to step in? Once on my way to work and the other, on my way home…
How often will cabs disappear when I need to get one?
How often will I walk out of the house on a warm day, wearing a cardigan & fishnet stockings?
How often will my fly be unzipped on my way to town?
How often will I make a Freudian slip and ask a total stranger to meet me at my place? Only to see him stammer in reply…
How often will I be woken up at 5.30am by the little girl, crying and asking for forgiveness because she’d stolen money from me?
Hopefully, not too often. It was a day filled with the most absurd of happenings. I threw my head back and laughed because like Akira Kurosawa said, ‘In a mad world, only the mad are sane.’
‘You truly believe that people always sing in life? Like in the musicals?’ Scooter Gal asked me.
‘Yes, I do.’ I smiled, before bursting into song for effect, and walking out, for drama.
I have this sense of impending doom. I know it’s largely due to the fact that the event is drawing closer and I have less than three weeks to see it all pulled together. The demands are quiet but strong, and while I can still laugh and find the humour in it all, I feel a little terrified. Like I always do.
‘What is your greatest fear?’ I asked Smiley last night.
‘Failure, and the shame that goes with that. I hate how it shapes some many things in my life. I know it holds me back, it keeps me from being happy… but I thank God it’s getting better.’ Smiley replied.
I do fear failure. I fear letting balls drop onto the floor. In my mind, when it happens, I can see the balls hit the ground in slow motion, the ‘clunk’ of their impact echoing all around me while a hush settles in the room of observers. I see myself looking up in horror, watching their faces, then…
Do I run away? Do I pick the balls up? Do I stand there and cry? Do I laugh, shrug my shoulders and try it all again?
It never lets up – Fear’s attack on my mind.
I find that I always need to make a choice to stand on what I believe in. If I can’t move forward, the least I can do is look up to the Dream Maker and cry, ‘help me, please.’
The beauty of it all is that He never once stopped to ask me what my plans were, or to evaluate my strategies, strengths or weaknesses. He always swooped in to gather me in His arms and meet my challenges, for me.
Am I mad for believing in His saving grace? I’ll let my life sing it’s song. If you listen carefully, it sounds like… hope.
‘Anxiety is nothing but repeatedly re-experiencing failure in advance. What a waste.’
– Seth Godin