watching; love dying

April 9, 2010 § 1 Comment

‘I get lost in the beauty of everything I see
The world ain’t as half as bad as they paint it to be
If all the sons, if all the daughters stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now…

Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then, come home.’

– OneRepublic

Love, come home. Come home to the place where you were supposed to be, before the breakdown began. Love, come home to the people who once danced with you in the rain, kissed in the sun and embraced in hope. Love, come home to what is estranged. Please.

*

I am watching the disintegration of a friend’s marriage and it hurts.

What is marriage?
A paper?
A promise?
A deep friendship?
An eternal love?

I don’t know.

No two people can stay together by the strength of their works and affection. We can only play house for so long. We can nail the look in our eyes, the casual touch, the smile, the words… but to keep that up for days on end, weeks, months… to deepen it to a place where you know for certain there is only that one person you want to be with, to come home to, to find comfort in… that takes God alone.

Somehow, I feel sad in my indigo solitude.

I feel as though there are too many stories woven into my existence.

A friend once asked me why I write so much.

‘There’s just so much going on in life. The moments, they are so fleeting, they pass by and are easily forgotten. But these are important stories, minutes of deep emotion or random thought that we know, we’d be the richer with them frozen, framed forever in words.’

But… as I trawled through the journals of my friend’s heartache, I asked myself… would these memories have best been forgotten?

The question is: do I want to remember these stories?
Will they make me richer or will they take me down paths I don’t want to remember?

Digging deep – is it always a wise road to walk? Will we end up with too many potholes that we can’t ever walk straight, our eyes forward looking, or will we be always looking at our feet, worried that we may step into a hole we wanted to avoid?

*

I’m not sure if I can do this.

I want my fairytale happy-ever-afters.

Is that too much to ask?

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